She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
