My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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