a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize