My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
