First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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