But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I want a musical about memes.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
