She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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