I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
