I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
