Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
