I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
