I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
