she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
