My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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