thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
