So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize