Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
