just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
