he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
