I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
