There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
