Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
