i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
