Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just googled if crying burns calories
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize