now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
