Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
