I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
