Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
