i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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