Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
