I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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