they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
