Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
