We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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