do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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