Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im part way to drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
