I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
