I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
