when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize