Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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