He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize