does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
