last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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