And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
