wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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