To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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