Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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