When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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