from now on my penis is your penis
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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