Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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