1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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