dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize