Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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