I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
