She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i am craving dick and cupcakes
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
