We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
