Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize