i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
