i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
