I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I need to sanitize my soul.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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