how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You ruined the universe
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
