70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
