god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize