I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Your penis caused this!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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