I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize