I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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