Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
