my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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