instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
