Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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